Thursday, May 21, 2009

regret, tempus fugit, remorse

it is late. i have some rice cooking on the stove. i'm going to make it with saffron this time. enough beverages chilling in the refrigerator. enough? enough to get me through the night. i did it on sunday, and tuesday. unfortunately, since i haven't had my act together, im going to try and do it again. i have to. i just have 25 pages barring me from relative liberty. i want to finish a draft by nine am. i have exactly...well not exactly, i can't do the math...i have 10 hours give or take. then i could edit the rest of the day, i tell myself. i've been saying this since -48 hours. hmmm. why do i never write quickly till its absolutely the last minute? masochism? ahhhh.

all i have now is a footnote. a footnote. and no paper. thank god i've been thinking about this for weeks, but still. i should have done things differently. regret, it always gets me in the end. funny that the poems i'm writing about deal exactly with that.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

congrats to me...three more classes down!!
three more papers to go, durrr
and a whole slew of library books to return

Monday, May 18, 2009

randomness is going so slowly. Just two small papers for today--tomorrow technically, but it'd be so great to get them done today. The hours just keep flying by though. At least, with my final this morning, I finished another course. I think I did well, I had a lot of fun answering the essay questions...the translation portion not so much--I studied the wrong poems, even though the one my professor ended up picking was completely obvious. skalsjdlaksdja frustrating. I wish I had studied more...ah well, next time, I suppose.

Not that this has anything to do with anything, but I love the last two lines of "Tableau" by Countee Cullen. (last 4....)
Oblivious to look and work
They pass, and se no wonder
That lightning brilliant as a sword
Should blaze the path of thunder.

After disappointing desserts at a party last night, I am very hungry for something delicious, but have nothing. I could potentially order something, but whatever I get is likely not to be the delicious thing I desire....and in any case, cookies or treats are not what I need right now...this strange stress weight-gain has got to stop. I'm 6 pounds heavier by the scale, in just...gasp, a week? Is that possible? aaaaaaaaaaaaargh

Sunday, May 17, 2009


uuugh, i managed to do absolutely nothing today. nothing. it's horrible. i have great resentment for events that drag me out of the house during finals period. holed up for two weeks on my own, no interactions with anybody or anything, is probably unhealthy, but the way i like to roll. these obligatory departmental parties and stuff? i love to go to them, but the timing, the timing. two exams on monday. marathon party tomorrow. every day this week of finals EXCEPT for tuesday, glorious day, i've left my house. i do not like this. i need uninterrupted time. i need some distance from the phone too, and have not been very successful at that, given tonight's 3+ hour conversation with a very hilarious friend, whose distractions are delightful, but very improperly timed. ugh. im determined to get the first paragraph for a 25 pager due on thursday done before i go to sleep.....or perhaps i should work on one of the two papers due on tuesday? argh, i just need to commit. i've been going back and forth all day.

...i've been eating salads and frosted mini-wheats? how am i gaining weight? finals ugggggh, it does it to me. i need to school year?

Friday, May 15, 2009

as if no time had woes and lists lists

yes, i'm exactly at the same place the last time or pen-ultimate time i posted, i feel. a bit worse for the wear perhaps, but plugging along in a general way....

other than not one but TWO TWO computer disasters involving TWO TWO different computers (DELL IS THE DEVIL) this semester went by pretty well. i love to work at home and sleep late though, so not having a reliable computer at home made it very difficult to prep for my literature class. i like to type my lesson plans and always need to look up lots of things online. teaching at 8 made me have to get to the office at ridiculous hours....or stay awake much longer than should have been necessary, just to beg and plead with my computer to load a freaking page. come on already. and the hours i spent weekly on the phone with dell. it was a disaster. i've been able to read lots of blogs and follow the ones that i love, but it's insane. i let the page load. take a shower. click a link. brush my teeth, come back the page is finally loaded. uuuuuuuuuuugh. i've resurrected my ancient ancient computer from my first year of undergrad and i'm hoping it will keep up plugging along until i pass my QEs--assuming that i do pass them. then i feel, a proper reward would be a nice sparkling computer. though on the other hand, having a computer that actually works could make studying much easier, better, effective, etc. I'm thinking about getting one of those really cheap 400 buck ones that are tiny like paperback books, just so i have a back-up. i'm thinking this old man will keep up for a while, so...i just don't want to spend the money to get a really good machine right now...nor do i have the money. argh!!

i am trying to make my QE lists and it's driving me nuts. i'm all for unsolicited advice because i'm very curious and nosy and love to hear about other people's experiences...but i've been getting really weird advice from some hostile (competitive??) people in my sub-areas. i might elaborate more on this in the future, it's very, very weird.

what else--semester in a nutshell: lots of firsts!!
1. i successfully survived hah (*this could be a bit premature since i still have 4.5 papers ahead of me and 2 exams, aaaaaaaaaaaargh. but i've been feeling strangely much more calm than usual this entire semester. not like i'm over it or anything, but hmmm, like i'm very much over the stress of it all (barring of course the all-too frequent episodes of hysteria and sobbing) and the head games i play with myself (like delusion?)
2. i successfully survived teaching my first lit class! i haven't gotten the final evals yet, but the midterm ones were all pretty good
3. i successfully survived giving my first conference talk. now, this might not be the biggest accomplishment for a lot of people, but i nearly psyched myself out of the profession. i was convinced it would literally kill me to give a conference talk. some people told me to ease in and conquer my fears by "starting small" --their words not mine, at grad conferences, but for some reason, i got roped into a conference talk. now i know i'm describing this as if i had no agency in the matter, and i don't feel like i had that much....but, idk it's hard to explain. a professor of mine kept telling us in class that we needed to just go out there and start giving papers and stuff, that we should just focus on non-graduate conferences, and if we didn't know how to write abstracts so what..we'd learn by getting rejected from conferences until we learned how to do so. ok haha i know this is very jumbled. he was much more logical sounding, but clearly i've twisted the whole situation in my head since for a few months it represented a terrible time for me that i kept replaying and replaying.....basically, he encouraged us to present abstracts for this "low-key" but kind of important conference in the area. i applied, thinking i could rest easy. i'd do what he wanted, have a clear conscience, and there'd be no way my very out there abstract would be accepted. oh but it was, to my dismay. i think i cried and tried to plot ways to get out of it. but then this strange calm came over me. i thought, ok, well, it can only get better (hopefully?), baptism by fire has worked for many! anyways, long story short, i did it, i was very nervous until the actual moment when i started reading my paper, and then it was a very out of body experience. i was far less nervous while giving the paper than i ever am for class presentations. weird.

it ended up being nice though, i had a good friend, a teacher friend and very critical girl i like but am also scared of in the audience, so i felt more or less supported. phew, it's over with, and i actually had fun! still, i'm confused about conference presenting, and the rates at which one should attempt departments at HU don't ever have a lot of students presenting until they're writing their dissertations, and even then...only a bit....what are the rules? how does this work at other places. HU is in a very, very strange bubble, so I feel that everything and all of my perceptions are a bit skewed.
4. i survived being on crutches for the first half of the semester. maybe i'm a fool for thinking crutches always looked so fun. it was so hard! i had very nice arms for a while, but now its back to normal ahhhh welll

well i cant even think of any more things. the time just keeps flying by. i feel like my grandma when she says that time keeps getting faster. when i was a kid the days were so long!!

i have a lot left ahead of me, and clearly i'm procrastinating but....
i am going to keep this blog i am going to keep this blog